It seems almost obligatory to begin a blog post with an apology for how long it has been since the last one. I'd promise to do better next time, but I won't, so there's no point. And because I don't know how to write this thing, have a list. Things:

• I went to the Iguaçu Falls. It was pretty cool. That was an understatement. They were amazing and powerful and beautiful and all the other cliches you can think of. I also encountered the I think uniquely Brazilian approach to distances- 7 hours drive away, sounds like a daytrip... The kind of day trip that starts at 3am and doesn't finish til 11.30pm. And that was fairly close really.

• I've been feeling really annoying, when I have to ask someone to repeat something three times, and I still don't know how I'm supposed to respond. I usually know what they're talking about, but not well enough to actually have a conversation. I long to be able to talk...
• I'm also frustrated with myself for how much of my life I live in English, despite this being my amazing opportunity to learn Portuguese. I read in english (though I am working on that one- halfway through Harry Potter One, althought it's hard to tell whether I'm actually reading, or just looking at the words and remembering what they ought to say), the internet is in english, my internal monologue is very very english. But at the same time it's such a relief to be able to read english and not have to think.
• I'm stressing probably too much over making decisions for Uni and stuff. I know this is ages away, but I like to plan ahead, and I can't decide. Chemical engineering at Canturbury or arts/science double degree at Vic, if anyone feels like having an opinion/advicings please do.
• And finally, enough about me, Neil Gaiman is fab. http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/oct/15/neil-gaiman-future-libraries-reading-daydreaming

Sophie has feelings

I wrote this yesterday, but I wasn’t sure whether to post it or not. Because while it is true, it sounds worse than it really is. Life is never so terrible that there’s nothing to be happy about. The sun is shining. I just spent a fairly lovely weekend visiting host grandparents. But I can’t shake the melancholy feeling. So here you go.

At the AFS pre-departure camp in New Zealand before I left, they talked to us about expectations, and how important it is not to be too fixed on your own expectations of the exchange, or host families or host countries, because chances are it’s not going to work out quite like you thought. At the time I nodded and smiled and thought to myself, yep, I’m alright, while I was okay with the not living by the beach, or in a big city or anything like that, I had huge expectations of myself. I knew that learning a language would be hard, but I assumed that I would be fine. I thought the language barrier was easily surmountable. I somehow expected that simply because I was in a different country I would become a different person. A more confident person, able to be friends with everyone, able to talk without knowing how. I knew I’d miss people in New Zealand, but I didn’t really know what homesickness was. When I pictured myself two months into the exchange, I had a very different picture from the reality. I thought by now I would be able to speak Portuguese. Not fluently, of course, but decently. I knew I’d miss people, but I thought that it would be okay after a couple of months. I thought there would be less time spent alone and tired and not really feeling like doing anything.

Perhaps the worst bit is I ought to be happy. I have an amazing opportunity, that so few people get, and I should be happy about it. I have an incredibly loving host family, and everyone at school is friendly and helpful, so I ought to be happy. I chose to do this, and paid for it, and everyone back in New Zealand expects me to be having an amazing time, so why am I not? The whole world is conspiring to tell me I ought to be happy, and like a petulant child I insist on being sad anyway.